I'm leaving Brighton tonight. I can't believe two months has already gone by. Sounds cliche, but it feels like I just got here yesterday.
For these past eight weeks, one thing that has been on my heart a lot is my future small group. Since small group has played such a huge role in my own spiritual and emotional growth throughout college, I am really passionate about it and the whole idea of women's community is really near and dear to my heart. Ever since I found out that I'm leading a freshmen group next year, I've been struggling with my own fears and insecurities as a future leader. There are so many things I want my girls to get from small groups and so many ways I want to help them grow, but in the back of my mind I always felt afraid and inadequate for the task. I worried the most about whether I am spiritually mature enough to answer all their Bible questions and whether my Bible studies would be engaging and deep enough, among other things. But the more I thought about it and talked to Nancy and Eseul, I realized that in worrying so much about myself as a leader, I'm already heading in the wrong direction by making it all about me. Instead of trying to make small groups into such a "well-planned" event, I should allow God to lead the group rather than focusing on my own abilities (or lack thereof) as a leader. As long as I continually pursue and run after God, everything I do for my small group will come naturally from an outflow of love. I believe this is the way in which God is calling me to lead--with my eyes always fixed on Him and not on things above the surface.
Another thing that God has shown me through my time here is how much I still need to grow. While I was here, I had a lot of time to myself to just reflect on this past year. As I thought about it more, I realized that if I were to be completely honest with myself, I know that in the last couple months before coming to England (around spring quarter), I started becoming so comfortable in my daily routine and close circle of girl friends that the way I lived my life was bordering on "lukewarmness." It wasn't even like I was falling into sin, but just the diminishing passion I had for Him almost became a sin in itself, if that makes sense. Because I have been so involved in the Edge these past few quarters, going to Sunday services and Re:Acts had become so engrained in my weekly habits that I did it almost mindlessly and passively. And every time something happened to me, I knew I could call up any one of my close friends and they'd be there at any moment's notice. Though having that loyal, safe community was what I needed at the time, I think eventually that sense of security began to overcome my desire to seek Him as my ultimate comfort.
But during my time here, I am starting to see how God's timing is always good and perfect. I feel like He brought me to England to break me out of my comfort zone and cause me to reevaluate my heart. Over here, there are no Re:Acts to attend and no "social" motivation to wake up for Sunday services--everything you do for God, you do it simply out of obedience and a sincere desire to know Him, not because your church friends are watching you (because there are no church friends here to keep you accountable). Also, since almost all of my close girl friends graduated this past year and are now moving on, I know that not having them around all the time next year to encourage and take care of me will challenge me to seek Him even harder and look to Him for security and strength. Even though I know it will be difficult at first, I feel at peace now because I think this is where God wants me.
I definitely feel ready to see Europe and then go home and start another school year. Can't wait to see and experience all the amazing things that are yet to come...
Cheers!
Emma
